About the Authors
God Anonymous II
Age: Ageless
School: Your mom
Contact: OMFGod@heaven.hel
Website: http://www.lolcatbible.com/
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
Oh hai ther. I enjoy long moonlit walks on the beach, surfing in the wave pool in my backyard, and unraveling the very fabric of your reality. Just kidding. I only do that… sometimes. I hold a divine purpose in this little project, as I am the chooser of prompts and I command your literary-thinking in a different direction every week. PH33R M3H. Cheers =)
Jinx “T-Unit” Flair
Age: 19
School: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
Major: Mechanical Engineering, Product Design and Innovation
Contact: themisplacedpenguin[@]yahoo.com; AIM: RAHHagentpenguin
Website: http://www.castrophany.net
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
Jinx “T-Unit” Flair is a ridiculously hyper penguin that runs on ramen and PMT (which stands for pearl milk tea, which could be considered a mood-altering drug). She is highly sensitive to caffeine and sugar, and the combination of both causes her to do strange things that she wouldn’t normally do, such as bite people. Oh wait, she does that on a normal basis. Huh. She has slight identity crises, and sometimes believes that she’s taller than she normally is – and gangster to boot. Chyeahh!
Even though Jinx attends school on the East Coast, she refuses to let those silly New Yorkers put a dent in her Norcal pride. She is rarely seen without her trademark sunglasses, and it is not a rare sight to see her running around in the cold February evening in shorts, a tank top, and flip flops, with frozen hair closely resembling a gorgon, bearing a tray of just-frozen brownies to a good friend across Freshman Hill. However, she has picked up usage of the word “sketchy” and has been known on occasion to say something along the lines of “hella sketchy.” And on those occasions she was shot at. Multiple times. However, Jinx is a penguin, and was therefore able to fly away to safety. She enjoys snowboarding (badly), basketball, listening to a very strange variety of music, writing “totally legit” profiles for other people (see Count Mein and Regina’s below), and devouring everything within 50 feet of herself. She does not believe in hair-dryers or umbrellas, gets along badly with spelling and Chemistry, and was terrified of feathers until recently when she sought counsel in rehab and faced her fears. Jinx spends her free time designing gadgets and advanced weaponry for the Roosevelt Academy, and her current goal is to attain her driver’s license so she doesn’t sound like a joke when she tells people that she wants to design cars when she grows up. She dislikes spelling and is currently in the middle of waging a full-scale epic war against the rain.
Jinx loves to laugh, which is the main reason she spends her time with these foo’s. She enjoys bothering people, and has pulled many a sneak attack in her day, with weapons ranging from sticky pearls and fireballs, to PH33RB0TS and snare sticks. Jinx is undisputedly the most pro chef this side of the continent, creating unique-smelling delicacies such as flaming cheesecake casserole, blue noodles a la stove top, and mashed potatoes of many-a-shade-o-grey. Her life includes many stages of chaos as she tends to pile way too much work on herself, but she generally enjoys the challenge and the satisfaction that comes from finishing the mountain of tasks she has on hand. She boasts a +20 heart of chocolate and +15 spleen of sangwich, and will possibly one day become diabetic, but until then, she is on an eternal quest to find the legendary +57 belt of crystallized mochi. Of happiness. THE END!
Xan “Chaos” Englehart
Age: 19
School: Stanford University
Major: Molecular and Cell Biology, Creative Writing
Contact: smosthedog[@]gmail.com; AIM: smosthedog
Website: http://www.kethadros.net
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
Xan “Chaos” Englehart is a viciously kindhearted soul who lives on an archipelago somewhere in the Pacific (actual satellite coordinates classified by the government). She goes by Xan instead of Alexandra to boost her awesomeness index by another 27 units, which puts her under the OAI rating of “Terribly Awesome.” Born one fateful spring day nineteen years ago, Xan has spent a majority of her existence bringing chaos to the word, justifying the nickname her parents pulled out of a hat.
Xan spends her days living in parallel universes of her own creation, sleeping, programming in various languages, walking, designing graphics for her website or covert organizations, eating, and writing ridiculous amounts of nonsense. Government reports indicate her past involvement in such cultist societies as “The Purple Room,” “The Poetry Punks,” and “The Not-So-Alive Bagel Society.” Her current social, political, and economic status is unknown.
While some view her as a threat to the overall sanity and normality of society, Xan’s friends know that although she does periodically attempt to take over the world, she also enjoys sewing, baking, dicing tomatoes (and sharp knives, but that’s irrelevant), and ballet. They know her as a non-confrontational individual who likes running away and blasting music while wearing headphones. Others have debated whether or not to diagnose her with mild (if not severe) schizophrenia, kleptomania, and perhaps OCD.
Xan also claims credit for the creation of Roosevelt Academy, where Jinx designs gadgets and advanced weaponry. She also disputes Jinx’s claim as best cook this side of the continent, unless Jinx means the East Coast where Jinx goes to school. Xan has previously made a variety of fattening items from which Jinx gained several pounds (that fatty).
According to some unnamed sources, “xan” means “flat tire.”
Count “I Eat Women Fo’ Breakfast” Mein
Age: 19
School: Bowdoin College
Website: http://www.tehinternetzisonfire.biz
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
The venerable Count Mein is descended from a long line of nobility, with family roots that track back to some of the oldest European royal figures. The blood that flows through his veins is made of fine Lindt premium chocolate, rendering him physically invincible to all attacks but the most seductive of dances. Count Mein is rumored to be deadly with a gun, but this rumor has not yet been proved valid as he has a strange habit of using bullet shells for style, rather than ammunition. Contrary to popular belief, he is not actually cannibalistic, deeming the entire affair “too messy” and “too much effort.” Instead, he occasionally snacks on Luna bars “for the estrogen” to make up for his missing X chromosome (his Y chromosome was so masculine that it kicked one of the legs off his original X chromosome) and keeps a constant supply of Vitamin Water XXX under his bed (for teh laydeez). While he keeps himself busy womanizing and shaving his legs to perfection, Count Mein enjoys blowing things up, making s’mores, para-sailing with his poodle/rottweiler mix, Maximilian Pegasus, and roaming the countryside in search of the most attractive of all mind-altering mushrooms during his free time. His normal wardrobe consists of an open dress shirt, fabric-less pants, a pink Playboy belt, Lucky boxers, and a devious smile. When the occasion calls for it, he upgrades to shirtless and adds a pink boa and swanky fedora to his image. His occupation is currently kept under wraps, but he describes it as a mix between “super spy,” “stuntman,” and “Playboy model on the side.” He also has an Egg Complex and believes himself to be an Asian. It’s quite pathetic actually.
Count Mein is the founder of the illicit top-secret society MENSLUTS (MEN Shaving Legs is Universally Teh Smex) and is also the new face (well, legs) of Gillette Venus Embrace and would like to inform readers that a woman’s face is actually photoshopped onto the advertisements later and that yes, those sexy smooth legs are indeed his. His ultimate goal in life is to turn all of the women in the world into bite-size brownies, and dunk them in a fondue concocted from his own blood and snack on it next to an outdoor campfire on the treacherous and flaming Volcano of Used Cotton Swabs, located on the Shores of Humanity.
To date, Count Mein has written four books of the acclaimed “Woman-Eating for Dummies” series, and he is currently working on a biography of his ancestor entitled “Henry VIII, The Undisputed Great Woman-Eater of Humanity.” He has also started work on his autobiography, currently titled “I Don’t Wear Clothes Usually.”
Regina Phalange
Age: 19
School: University of California, Berkeley
Major: Undeclared Engineering (possibly Computer Science)
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
Regina is an up and coming engineer, harnessing her academic skills and combining them with her artistic eye to become the next Steven Spielberg. It works, as she even went to the same high school as him (except nobody threw pennies at her). Her photos are the envy of all on the West Coast, and watching her load film into a camera is purely an amazing sight to behold.
Regina enjoys pirating and listening to music, and attends a ridiculous amount of concerts. If you’ve gone to any Jack’s Mannequin or Lifehouse concerts, you’ve probably seen her there (she’s in the group that was standing in the front – the tall one making illegal videos surrounded by all her short friends). She’s also seen every superhero movie known to mankind, and is in the running for the “Most TV Shows Watched” award. She’s actually a celebrity in disguise, and gallivants around town with her buds, “Your Friendly Neighborhood” Spiderman, Mr. “Geek in the Pink” Jason Mraz, and has been seen on occasion enjoying a delicious Chinese chicken salad with The Rather Sexy Jason Wade on Ocean Avenue. In fact, her car was hijacked by Spiderman and the Geek in the Pink on one occasion, and was returned covered with webbing and so full with balloons that she was not able to drive until all the helium depleted itself (a lady of her status does not “pop” balloons, it is beneath her dignity). She made do by hitching a ride in Armor for Sleep’s trailer while her car osmosis’d itself. Luckily, she got her car back the day before the trailer magically detached itself and almost killed The Academy Is… on the “Sleeping With Giants” tour.
Friendly and easily manipulated into soul-sucking projects such as these, Regina is usually the voice of reason in Jinx and Xan’s crazy pursuits. She has been talked into conspiring with them to pull off widespread pink flamingo invasions, the rampaging of 20 crazy students throughout the downtown Saratoga area (four times, to date), and once even unwittingly provided a scene for a full-scale criminal investigation – Miami style (sunglasses NEVER optional).
As she is a student at the prestigious UC Berkeley, she is the butt of many jokes, most of which come along the lines of “SANK YOU YU-SEE BAH-KU-LEE!!!” Oh high school economics, how much you have taught us.
Asuka “Japanese dictator” Kisaragi
Age: 18
School: Cornell University
Major: Animal Science
Member Since: Monday, July 07, 2008
Asuka is a 14-year immigrant born in Tokyo, Japan. A major in the top secret Japanese military organization 大日本帝軍 (Army of Greater Japanese Empire), she is currently building her “character” as an innocent Animal Science major at Cornell University. Using the “middle of nowhere” quality of this Ivy League school, she secretly recruits Japanese students from the other Ivy League schools and trains them.
Her non-military academic goals include a B.S. in Animal Science, a D.V.M., and a Ph.D. in Animal Behavior. These degrees are each dual programs: Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Swordsmanship (concentration in Katana), Doctor of Veterinary Medicine and Doctorate of Versatile Military, and Doctor of Philosophy and Doctor of PH33R.
In her spare time, she likes to sleep as she has a workaholic disorder; unfortunately, the Caffeinated Workaholics Anonymous (CWA) refused her admission, declaring her a “hopeless case.” When she does stay awake, she likes to hang out with her assassin friends. Disguised as friends watching CSI, playing BANG!, and eating fondue, these assassins obtain information on the latest weaponry and assassination methods from CSI and simulate assassinations through games of BANG!. And fondue is yummy. She also plays Final Fantasy games, plays violin and percussion, and cross-stitches.
Jane “the Yellow Dart” Smith
Age: 19
School: Stanford University
Major: Architectural Design
Member Since: Monday, July 28, 2008
Jane eats batteries. In her spare time. Mostly.
Jess “Green Banana” e.coli
Age: 19
School: Harvard University
Member Since: Monday, August 11, 2008
Jess is a very small, opinionated person with a love for books, puns, and lemon tarts from a now-defunct coffee shop she used to frequent with a penguin on this page.
She has a tendency to use a lot of big words in conversation, which is unfortunate because 1) it comes off as pretentious, and 2) they’re often pronounced ridiculously, the result of reading rather than interacting socially with people (you know, the generators of books). Part of her name, e.coli, in fact derives from a mispronunciation of “Eli” in a post-bio lab haze junior year.
When she’s not writing for publications, Jess spends her time on the East Coast marveling at the strange white things that fall from the sky, inducting her roommates into the cult of speed scrabble, and wrestling with the crippling self-doubt of a prospective humanities major. (Community service groups are welcome to donate any extra boxes for her future abode.) Time is also wasted downloading music, which in high school was mostly obscure Norwegian electronica (bad sound quality, murmured vocals) but now has improved (?) to obscure indie rock (bad sound quality, slightly louder vocals). At her summer internship she found another way to sabotage her productivity (and her waistline), namely by researching every ice cream shop in the Boston area and visiting them after work.
Earsplitting “Earwax” Whisper
Age: 19
School: University of California, San Diego
Major: Communication, Literature/Writing
Member Since: Monday, September 22, 2008
Genderless? Also, made of candied trout.
