edit: I <3 STINKY TOFU
Music: This Is For Real by Motion City Soundtrack

i beg your pardon, it seems that my recent well-intentioned but noticably angsty outburst was wildly misinterpreted. please allow me to explain.

what you need to understand first is that over the course of my first year of school here at Stanford, I have had the eye-opening pleasure of encountering, befriending, and cohabiting with peers from the far reaches of the world, including those from northern alaska, suburban connecticut, rural texas, and sheboygan, wisconson, home of their governor the president of Kohler plumbing fixture manufacturer and people who don’t believe in recycling.

And what you need to know is that over the course of the year, tofu receives a passionate and constant stream of flak. people love to hate on tofu. good tofu. bad tofu. really good tofu. and like so many napalm raids, they have left me seasoned, bitter, and resigned. With effort, I leave futile defenses go unspoken in the hostile atmosphere. I eat tofu without shame. I love tofu. And duck eggs. And fermented vegetables. And fungus. And ox tail. And jellyfish. And pig ear. And cow intestine. This is making me hungry.

I thought it might help to bring up bleu cheese. It seems like bleu cheese is a generally well-accepted item for consumption. I, being allergic and having never in my life tasted cheese without fear, find cheese a foreign food. So I just wanted to point out that bleu cheese has something or other to do with mold, just like stinky tofu. And you know what? I think cheese is stinky. Bite me.

I would say that it often just has to do with what you grow up with and are accustomed to, if only I didn’t get such a kick out of saying “bite me” all the time.

What I didn’t anticipate is that here at Thick as Thieves it seems, for the most part, that I am among friends. Whether it be over tofu, sustainable practices* like full loads of laundry, legitimately soiled un-butt-worthy pairs of jeans, or those sleek, sexy, profit margin monopolizingly consumer-friendly macbook fucking pros, I am buoyed into the warm and relieving feeling of the ability to commiserate with all of you about the stupid shit I hate, which I like to think of as ‘issues that I concern myself with’. It’s good to be here with all of you. Thank you.

*in response to e.coli’s prompt on veganism, you should definitely click on the cow.

–Jane “The Yellow Dart” Smith

Prompt: Spit here for medical analysis!
Music: Intimate Secretary by The Raconteurs

Would I get genetic testing in case I can find out that I will die of an incurable disease, so that I can treat it pre-emptively?

Is that a case of assuming the possibility of a worst case scenario and preparing for it, or does that pre-emtive treatment assume the futility of a set of lifestyle choices in which one has an otherwise solid level of confidence? Is that pessimistic? Will pessimism lower one’s quality of life?

Is it pessimistic to get car insurance? Will your preparation for the financial consequences of any number of worst case scenarios lower the quality of your driving experience?

Is getting a prenuptial agreement like getting insurance? Can you get insurance on a relationship? Is that like assuming an emotional commitment is liable to failure?

Would it be offensive to suggest making a prenuptial agreement?

Would it be offensive to have a prenuptial party?

Is it offensive to have bachelor and bachelorette parties?

Does the prenuptial party come before or after the bachelor and bachelorette parties?

Do you stay in the cave? Or do you go into the light?

The Red Pill, or the Blue Pill?

Is The Matrix Revolutions really worth $9?

$7.50?

$6.00, but it must be before noon on a Sunday?

Charlie Chunkit, you bastard.

–Jane “The Yellow Dart” Smith

Prompt: Beijing bans dog meat/Take Action – On becoming vegan

That’s right, I see you downing that cobb salad sprinkled with bleu cheese crumbs. Yes, i did take a block of perfectly good tofu, throw it in cave, grow some mold, BAM. Instant flavor-ganza. Well you know what!? I think cheese smells weird, motherfuckers.

I am NOT getting started on tofu. WE ARE NOT EVEN DISCUSSING THIS.

If the next prompt is about macs I will burn down the house of your ancestors, yes, that’s right Kronos, I suggest you grab your ankles and kiss yo ass GOODBYE.

speaking of cobra starship,

and furthermore

–Jane “The Yellow Dart” Smith

Prompt: The 3-track EP that will blow your mind… literally

1. Hip Hop: Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. I mean, you might as well get a sex change and then dress in drag. Like now. Sorry.

2. Soundtrack: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. Once one of my all time favorites–ruined. Ruined. By Orange County and the greater population of America. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Dear Sister is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. AND it has Shia LeDouche. What’s not to love about this song?

3. Country: Rockstar by Nickelback. Really Chad Kroeger, really? REALLY? Also I like how you have Barry White in the background saying “So how ya gonna do it?” and “I’ll have a quesadilla”.

"Fig. 1 Eating One Battery"

Fig. 2 "Eating Five Batteries"

–Jane “The Yellow Dart” Smith

Manhattan, Kansas